The worst part about Kyle going back to sea was that after not hearing from him for a few days, once he finally could email me, it was apparent how miserable he is. I am accustomed to being the most depressed person in the conversation. I’m afraid some of my attitudes have rubbed off on Kyle. Or maybe he is just more expressive than when we first met. I don’t know, but I know he hates the ship as much as I hate him being away. If he were away to do something he likes, something he felt called to do, etc., it would be alright.
I remember after we got married we went to Jamaica. I thought Jamaica was pretty average, but Kyle loved it and said something like, “Well, when I come back by myself…” which at the time hurt my feelings and pissed me off. But now, not so much. I’m going to Colorado by myself next month. It’s not bad simply to be apart. What’s bad is to both be apart, and both mostly hate what you’re doing, and have limited communication.
It sucks. Sometimes I think I should have stayed in the Navy and Kyle should’ve gone out to go to school first. On the other hand, by the time I got out, half the reason was that I knew it was only a matter of time before my mouth got me in trouble. I don’t think that’s a problem with Kyle. I guess the best I can hope is that he grows numb to the shittiness quickly. All I can do is work hard in school, at job searching, at my medical school application, and at saving money. It feels like we are both very near and very far from the next, better leg of our life.
Only problem with that is I know when we finally adopt a cat or two, he’ll love the cat more than me (not that I blame him). That’s okay. Life is too short to keep up a routine that you dread repeating everyday–and it’s worse to watch your spouse experience this.