(feelings)

I’ve been feeling so down lately, and I know that comes through in my writing. I’m venting, after all, right?

Well, calculus has been destroying me. I really like it, and sometimes I feel like I “get” whatever concept I’m being taught… but still my best test score so far has been only 87%. I’ve spent 2.5 hours in class four days a week, and then another three or four hours per day studying, plus uncounted hours on the weekend. I dream about calculus. I doodle about calculus. Last night, I was having a glass of wine, and I even started thinking about estimating the volume of wine in my hand — because I’ve been estimating the volume of shapes like that all week! It’s safe to say I’ve been obsessing. My sleep has been disrupted, and–

Anyway, I was also bummed because I had to take ANOTHER break from running. Now, the first time I had to take a break wasn’t EXTREMELY bad, because I was able to work through it with the hope I wouldn’t have another injury for a while, and also by using other exercises like biking and swimming. Well, to be brief, I haven’t been able to bike or swim this time.

This time was also harder though because it is/was like the fourth injury I’ve had in fewer than two years. It’s always my fault too. My first injury was due to “mashing” on a spin bike, which I just didn’t know was a no-no (but people on biking forums online did know). The second was probably a mix of overuse, most of my runs being on hills, and getting new shoes that just didn’t fit like the old ones. The third was a little tendonitis due to running on hills too much, again. Now a different tendon is bothering me (but getting better) because I was running too much on uneven surfaces (slopes). All of this stuff I find out after the fact is not a good idea. I don’t know. I guess I’ve been looking at running in a too-primitive/childlike way. I run. I do make an effort to use an efficient form, but at the end of the day… I kind of have figured, why couldn’t I just run anywhere, over any surface, etc.?

To make it worse, I usually do at least two runs after pain comes up because I always think initially that, “Oh that’s just some weakness that’ll get stronger.” So stupid.

My latest calculus foible was also most painful because it was all my fault too. Things are more acceptable when you feel you can blame someone else. See, my latest quiz, I had the 100% correct answers, but then… I doubted myself, and changed the right answers to wrong ones. Who can I blame but me?

So on top of my “problems,” I’ve been dealing with the fact that they’re all due to my own foolishness.

But I’m trying to be more positive. This morning when I got up, I thought I heard some thunder. SHOCKING in San Diego, California. I pretty much dismissed it, although I did think to myself how hard I wished it would rain. And it actually did! It rained pretty hard (for here), and there was even some thunder. I took my breakfast and tea with me to the balcony, and enjoyed the sticky air and the sound and smell of rain. I finally forgot math for a little while. I just felt glad.

Eh, I have more to write, but I don’t want to spend too much time sitting here. Even if–heaven help me–I get a C in calculus, you know, I’ll get over it eventually. There are only three more class days left. I’ve got to move on. These days may be painful, but… shit, it could be worse, that’s all. There’s still a lot to be happy about. I’ve got to stop being insane.

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