I have only a few more problems to work on this evening. I wish I had more time, because I’d like to look at some Khan Academy videos or something as well!
For now I am just satisfied that my husband is home, I am having a beer, and something I have been praying about appears not to be a worry anymore. It’s crazy how kind God is. I don’t write much about God anymore. I did as a teen (of course, then I wrote all the time). Anyway, it’s just that there are too many things about him. What can I say? You know the line from the psalm, “What is man that you should look at him?” or something like that? (Sorry, I admit I have not read a psalm outside of Mass in a long time). Well, I feel like, “What is man that he/she/I should write about God? I’m not St. Augustine. The more I learn, the less I feel I know. I’m totally okay about that, but… I just feel arrogant if I make too many assertions about God. I feel like it’s enough to say that he loves you and me and every person that you and I can’t even imagine anyone could love!
And he answers prayers. And he pierces your soul so that you question your own prayers, asking, “What I am praying for, is it right? Is my will your will, God? I know what I want and what I am asking, but I don’t want to ask if it isn’t what you want.”
Oh, so many thoughts! So many questions. But I really am satisfied because I like wondering about things. Wouldn’t it be a concern if God didn’t seem infinitely wondrous?
So anyway, day two of calculus wasn’t terrible. So far I am back and forth between feeling I totally understand, and feeling I understand nothing. It’s so fascinating, and the abstraction my professor keeps saying will throw some people off just reminds me why I’ve been so adamant about studying math, regardless of my major. Many people see math as some wonderfully concrete, understandable “thing.” It appeals to a lot of people who just like order. But there’s more than order and balance and strict applicability. There’s a beauty to it that I actually feel ridiculous beginning to talk about, just because I know I am so early in my math education. But I felt this even when I was learning high school trigonometry.
Now that I am older, and have seen the application of some mathematics in the real world, having worked on electronics, and learned JUST A LITTLE BIT about some of the engineering problems on ships, math is just so much cooler. Some of the concepts get reinforced. It just seems like math is underneath everything, down inside it… or, no. That’s like electrons and things. Math is more like music, isn’t it? The music is represented by symbols on paper, or it can be memorized. It can be played in many ways, felt, and heard. It is perceived, but what is it? Just so many sound waves? No.
So I don’t know how this class will go. It’s going to be tiring to complete this course in the eight weeks allotted. But it’s so stimulating. Well, back to it!